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A Rose [19 Jun 2010|01:58pm]

I watched the rose peddles fall on my floor so many memories lost that way. How the years have gone by since I watched my first rose wither with all my love I tried to keep it alive. Thought about it as I sat there in my chair dreaming of days past. It is funny how you remember those days now about to be married I feel so fulfilled this rose some how is different. IT has a real meaning to me it means love real love not just any ordinary love.

The redness of it reminds me of the soft tender kisses and the feeling of her mouth on mine especially when I am not feeling well. The softness of her skin like a smooth cream. Always so inviting making me feel like I am finally home when I am in her arms. She is so strong but at the same time so tender with me she is everything I ever wanted in a woman. Before you paint a scene of us in your head let me tell you my lover is a butch and I am a soft butch. Ok that said I can continue.

As I sit here now and stair at the rose I dream of all the passionate nights I have had. I sat in my leather jacket and a black thong which is my favorite. There is nothing like black leather the hard feel of it the smell of it to make you feel free as you ride the wind on a bike the freedom that makes you feel a live if not for a second in life. I turned then to face my lover and she smiled at me and I smiled back I had a wonderful surprise for her waiting. I went in to our bed room got dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a red t shirt and told her to follow me.

We walked out to the street where I pulled a tarp off of a new bike that shone with the fresh new baby blue paint I had it pained for her with red flames. With black velvet seats it was so hot I couldn't believe it was ours and I smiled and handed her a helmet. That was blue and white and matched mine. She smiled and took me in her arms and kissed me passionately with out a word we both got on it and I held on to her almost in a hug and she started up the bike. We rode to a deserted area I knew and she turned around on the bike and balancing it started to finger fuck me as I rubbed her shaven head and kissed her so longly. I could not help but think how I wanted this for so many years.

Then I slipped my fingers inside her leather pants and played around with her clit until I felt the heat and juices dripping down my fingers and I kept feeling her. I stuck a finger inside her to feel her warm insides god it felt like bliss.

I looked around the deserted road it was so quite and the stars were shining it was so perfect. "I love you" she said as I staired into her blue eyes some times I think I can fall right into them. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small box I knew it had to be jewelry I loved jewelry so much. " I know this has been coming for sometime but will you marry me?" she asked as sweat beat down her forehead. I smiled and hugged her yes I will I said. We got back on the road and road into the early morning it wasn't until one am when we got back to our house.

I felt like the happiest woman alive on earth I finally had everything I ever wanted a warm home with our cat and each other. I took off my clothes with a smile on my face and climbed into bed soon I would be the wife of the one person in this world that matter so dearly to me. That I would die for and more.

The next morning I woke to breakfast made on my nightstand I was in awe and a half a dozen roses and a poem on a slip of paper. I looked over and there was my butch daddy standing in the door way already dressed in a t shirt and dark blue jeans and work boots. She walked over to me and kissed me tenderly. "How is my wife to be?" she asked as I staired at her "very well" I said looking at her she was the most beautiful thing I had every seen.

The rest of that morning few by in a blur I don't remember what else happened now I sit here and think about it.

Now I sit here in my chair and look at the last rose and stair at its red pedals and pray that our marriage will be great as I scroll threw wedding dresses on the computer.Oh... well she is home I have to go make her dinner sigh.
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[15 Sep 2004|12:20pm]

[ mood | curious ]

Anyone alive in here?

Comment if you are actually still checking this.

Love, your Mod x

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CHA CHING$$$ [26 Jul 2004|11:34pm]

[ mood | Let down ]

Money Money Money
Money this Money that
No more cash sack
No one cut me slack
Cause I need to break my back
I need to hear it crack
I need more time on the rack
Cause I needed the money
I needed the money honey
And no our kisses cant buy a ride home
And no this world is not free to roam
I need a bed
Baby we need a bed
To mess with our heads
I did it for the money
And I thought it would be funny
I did it for the money money money
Money this Money that
I really need to hear that crack
So I can get my cash back
I can get my refund.... on this life....

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I HATE YOU [24 Jul 2004|12:27pm]


isn't it funny
when someone else is running your life
you did it to me
but now i'm okay
your eyes that held the sky
are now nothing but clouds
i forget about you
when this girl sits in my lap
I call her straight kate
for more reasons that one..
and she's so much like you
only she's better in bed
i thought about you
when her legs were on mine
she's just like you
so she'll probably just leave
but i promise you
i'll think of you everytime i do a line
so, you'll be in my thoughts
till i over dose
and forget your name
the next day
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[23 Jul 2004|12:18am]

[ mood | pissed off ]

yeah, i got fired today for a stupid fucking reason and i say...

Fuck coporate america, im done being a puppetCollapse )

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[09 Jul 2004|09:17am]

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does anyone ever check this community??? [07 Jul 2004|11:56am]

Shadows of fear lurk in the faint distanceCollapse )
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Shake Your Head in Disbelief [07 Jul 2004|12:16am]

[ mood | exhausted ]

.... haven't posted lately, but here's poems... enjoy. Any suggestions people may have are greatly apprieciated. :-)

* * *
Poems are here.Collapse )

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[04 Jul 2004|02:46am]

[ mood | contemplative ]

light another,
take a puff,
watch time fly
as you sit and smoke.

ponder the meaning
of this thing called life.
think of what is
your reason for being here?

What is your purpose?
do you really matter?
did you make
your parents proud?

why should you care
they lied to you.
who cares what they think
you should be dead to them.

yet your not,
you make them suffer,
in your own twisted way,
always...day by fucking day.

There is no god,
if there was
im pretty sure
that they hate you.

you are not what they,
meant you to be.
you are yourself,
thats plain to see.

step up to face,
the so-called thing,
that should not be.

this thing called life,
going round and round.
coming back to you,
in full circle.

repeating itself,
one way or another.
day after day,
week after week.

same bullshit daily,
stupid people,
feeble minds,
same problems,
over and over again.

the cycle.

then perhaps,
there will be hope
for the future.

© smurfee 2004

[01 Jul 2004|10:13pm]

[ mood | artistic ]

I miss what its like,
to look into someone's eyes.
Them telling me that
everything will be just fine.

Eyes of innocence
long forgotten.
Filled with joy,
loathing hate.

Eyes tell a story,
about a persons life.
Good, bad and ugly,
the eyes hide nothing.

People are shy,
afraid to speak.
The eyes tell all,
of which i seek.

Let me gaze upon your eyes,
let me see the story of your life.
Get wrapped up inside,
all comfy and calm.

Show me everything
without knowing it.
Tell me all,
without saying a word.

The eye is beautiful,
the eye can hide nothing.
The eye is mystical,
let me get lost in the story.

© smurfee 2004




Not about meeh obviously [27 Jun 2004|10:16pm]

[ mood | blank ]

Sit behind your technology,
watch the world around you go by.
Just feeling like there is someone,
that really gives a shit about you.

Stare off into your,
fantasy world of cyber friends.
Your only contact with the world,
is through your keyboard.

Grow old and lonlier,
wrap yourself up in a false world.
Get so lost and caught up,
in the false sense of security.

Let the reality in,
every now and then.
Then you see your alone,
and you cannot deal.

You reach for the blade,
each cut deeper than before.
Taint the skin even more,
nobody wants you all the more.

The day comes,
when you go to deep.
You finally realize,
nobody actually cares,
you accept your stupidity,
and fade away.

© smurfee 2004

[27 Jun 2004|10:30am]


What i think
what i feel,
seem so far,
out of my reach.

I look out to grasp,
for why or what
I am here for'
in this existance.

Twisting and turning,
in these thoughts and feelings.
Getting tied up in knots,
that seem untieable.

Reaching out and grasping,
for something to break through.
Reaching for scissors,
that will break through anything.

Searching for my piece of mind,
that seems so far away.
Stretching my arms,
as far as the eyes can see.

"I know the pieces fit,
cuz i watched them fall away..."

When will i be able to put them back together,
when will i get the scissors to break free?
It seems like a sick joke,
that doesn't have a punchline.

Why not end it?
why not worry?
because it isnt worth it,
thats why im still here.

Still here in this bullshit world,
full of bullshit people.
Because of the few like me,
the few who look for the better.

The few who see past the bullshit,
past the lies and deception.
In light of something better,
for the sake of not giving up.

Still reaching for the scissors,
to break free...
when will it happen,
when will it be?

It will...
when it is my time...
my time to die.

Then the knots will be broken,
I will hit reality in the face,
or will I?

Remember this is all an illusion.

© Smurfee 2004

[23 Jun 2004|11:53pm]

[ mood | blank ]

Walking in circles,
on the road to nowhere.
Stepping over stones and pebbles,
wandering without a care.

Looking around,
from the inside looking out.
Just walking in circles,
waiting for someone to hear me shout.

Stuck in this place,
that I unfortunately call home.
Somewhere down by the tranquil sea,
is where i wish to roam.

Looking for a way out,
of this circle I am stuck in.
So I can escape this place,
and never look back again.

I will not run from here,
just walk away and say goodbye.
I've had some fun times in this place,
that is no lie.

It is time for change,
to get out of this vicious circle.
To be on my own...with a special someone,
to sit calmly at peace and tranquil.

Walking in circles,
contemplating life.
Seeing through all the bullshit and lies,
gives me slight hope for the time before i die.
© smurfee 2004

[23 Jun 2004|01:03pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

Not poetry just some insight from yesterday, tho yesterday when i wrote this in the body of an email i was going off 1.5 hours of sleep heh.

the following was what came off my fingers in an email i sent my friend yesterday afternoon after getting basically no sleep...heh ;p

im alive...kinda lol, i think, iono, hard to tell hahahahaha, am i really writing this? who really knows. I sure dont, i question existance all the fucking time dude, im just waiting to die(or so everyone thinks) and then wake up in actual reality and if its as bad as this fucking illusion ill kill myself again right away haha, what if its a vicious cycle...ya know, we are here in what we think is real and hate it, die(supposidly) and wake up in reality and its even worse, so we kill ourselves and end up back where we started which is here, in this fucked up world we think is real...confused yet? amazingly enough im not hahaa, and it makes sense too. whoa, ok, ill stop.

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[22 Jun 2004|03:19pm]

In just 3 weeks the U.S. Senate will come to a vote on the Federal Marriage Amendment in support of or against President Bush's attempt to write discrimination into the U.S. Constitution. This critical moment in our nation's history will determine the future of GLBT rights so take action now and make your voice heard. Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace!

Contact your Senators Now:

Support marriage equality for all by signing the Human Rights Campaign's Million for Marriage Petition:

Pass the message along, participation is crucial!!
(x-posted in as many personal jrnls and communities as possible)

[20 Jun 2004|11:22pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

Staring off
into the great abyss.
Where everything is nothing,
and nothing really exists.

This body holds me here,
stuck in this delusional existance.
Just sitting here and waiting,
for an unbelieveable experience.

The illusion of time goes by,
second by second, hour by hour.
Looking at all the idiots around me,
scowling at them and making them cower.

Yet they nor I are really here,
this place, this world, in which we live.

This place we call home,
is nothing more than an illusion.

What we think,
is of no matter.
In time our so-called world,
will fall apart and shatter.

Then perhaps we will realize,
all of this to be true.
Everything is nothing,
nothing really exists,
then we will see reality,
reality pure and true.

© smurfee 2004
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The General General [15 Jun 2004|12:52am]

[ mood | artistic ]

This one is kind of long so I put it in a cut to save you some space...Collapse )


Girlwolf Wear [11 Jun 2004|05:27pm]

And I take comfort in the fact...
That she hasn't left me yet...
She hasn't pushed that red button all the way down

And I take comfort in the memory...
Of our relationship assembly...
The way she's held me up so high above the ground

The monster inside of her
Is staring me in the eye
And its attacking me so fierce
Expecting me to die

But I stare at the monster
To find the girl who's trapped inside
And I cant move my body
Because I cant believe my eyes

But I take comfort in the dream...
That this is one
And I take comfort by dreaming...
That this is fun

I take comfort in the dream
That she cant hear me scream
I take comfort in the ride
That my love is trapped inside...

Trapped inside the monster...
I will find her
Trapped inside the monster...
She will be free again

IT WAS ALL A JOKE! So..throw you head back and laugh...Laugh

Dull [28 May 2004|05:39am]

Slipped and Happy watch clouds change color
Walk too far now my senses are duller
You find it un belivable in my wondering eyes
Well I'll just look for more believeable lies

Yeah get lost in the roar of motors
Get lost in the scream of pavement
Get away from the voice of whisper
Get away from the place that I cant
Get away from...Get away from

The bleach is seeping into my skull
My eyes dont work and my sense are really dull
Want to find a place with more hate
Gotta stop time gotta make this all my day

No! I dont wanna get lost in your sound
I dont wanna get lost in your voice
I dont wanna get up from the ground
Get away from your stupid choice

You backstabber....You backstabber....You backstabber
You backstabber....You backstabber....You backstabber

Im slipping slowly from the happy
Sipping slowly from the world I see
Letting go of the hell I know
Dont want to turn around
Not gonna turn around

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